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1.
[dream #1] 01:17
2.
I got a call from an old friend He sounded breathless on the other end But I couldn’t understand a single word he said So I just hung up again Some friend I am You explained yourself I got drunk and cried And we laid together for the final time And even as I told myself to enjoy what still was mine I just couldn’t sleep that night So I went outside And when the sun came up Saturday morning You still couldn’t know I had gone with no plan for returning When the winter’s over, I’ll be born again My friends will see me and they’ll say: “It’s nice to see you, Ben Where have you been? I hope you didn’t let their opinion get inside your head” But of course that’s what I did I know I said what I said And you can always take it back But you can also never take it back And even once you’ve had the thought, there’s no point in Pretending you’re not on the opposite track From the track you’re used to in your own curated careful brain It’s just not enough to feel the lack It’s just never gonna feel the same So please help wake me up Saturday morning I need something else Help me throw myself out into nothing I wish that I could see you more often than I do I wish that when I did, I could see right through you I wish that I were different, I wish I could learn to change I wish the skeletons inside my closet would behave And I wish I knew the future, and I wish I knew your mind I wish I could control my life one moment at a time I hope that I can learn before I’m fully off the deep end It’s just too much to handle in a single weekend
3.
Red Diamond 04:53
Oh boy, oh boy, can you hear it beneath you now? What you buried in the yard under the rocks and snow Cold and sour, you can’t let it go, oh boy Carry the map and the spade in your old coal soul Her heart is like the red diamond on the end of a cigarette In the dark on the way home, driving alone Hot and heavy but it goes out just like that “You got a light, boy? One more before I go” I don’t know if my heart can take it But it’s not like I’ve been trying to protect my heart, oh boy Oh boy, oh boy, can you feel it within you now? Given the chance to be saved, how could you turn that down? You wouldn’t trust her in the light, so in the light, trust me You’re so forgetful, why can’t you forget a feeling? But you know everything, you see it all a frame at a time The thoughts of everyone projected on a screen in your mind In the land of prying eyes, to be invisible is king She opens up with a smile and you know nothing And I don’t know if my heart can take it But it’s not like I’ve been trying to protect my heart, oh boy I don’t know if my heart can take it But it’s not like I’ve been trying to protect my heart, oh boy Forget forget it, you’re a villain I’d not regret it for a minute If I could reconcile that broken bottleneck of your decision Give me strength to suffer through it White knuckle pen on paper view it And hope to god that I can use it and bring back something worth forgiving
4.
Submarine 04:28
In time, the telephone lines go up and come back down The fresh pavement fossilizes older city streets Every building gets new faces; even road signs show their ages The days put them through their paces, erased and history And hand in hand, the boy in the band grows up to get knocked down He used to think the money and the time were heaven spent Is he lazy or just tired? Internal rhymes are uninspired Why can’t there be a satisfying way to pay the rent? I’m giving up on love But love, god damn it, won’t give up on me Haven’t you seen enough To know I can’t make it what you want it to be? Oh, why do I take my time? Why do I pace around in a room inside my mind Just to find The room isn’t even mine? That’s how it always starts: A square peg stuck in a round hole in my heart Good god, I expected to figure myself out I kind of feel like that should be a job for someone else If I’m wrong I’ll stand corrected, but we live to be connected And there’s too much in a person to find out without some help Good god, this is too deep a channel to dive down I’m gonna need a better, brighter, watertight-er submarine And in my ears your voice remains; you swim secret in my veins I thought that I was known, but no, I wasn’t really seen at all, it seems! I’m giving up on love But love, god damn it, won’t give up on me, no Haven’t you seen enough To know I can’t make it what you want it to be? Oh, why do I take my time? Why do I pace around in a room inside my mind Just to find The room isn’t even mine? That’s how it always starts: Do you believe me? I have been known to lie You don’t even know my mind I’m was afraid to lose But now I’m afraid to try What if I never choose To look with clearer eyes? That’s what I have to do But now I’m running out of time!
5.
Tonight I’ll break bottles about you To the people who became my friends It won’t be the same without you We tie knots; we cut the ends Am I surprised to feel so trapped inside? I made my little bed to lie in I locked the doors, I shut the blinds I gave myself the sense of trying Tonight I’ll break bottles about you To the people that I love the most It won’t be the same without you You always suffered with the host I prayed to you, eternal quitter: Help me keep the things that matter Clear away the dust and glitter Love and work just make me sadder Deliver me from selfish men Don’t tell me if I’m one of them Life was shades of grey back then Life is shades of grey again Tonight I’ll break bottles about you To the people who forgot your name It won’t be the same without you But then, it never was the same Am I surprised to feel so trapped inside? I locked the doors, I shut the blinds I made my little bed to lie in I gave myself the sense of trying Deliver me from selfish men Don’t tell me if I’m one of them Life was shades of grey back then Life is shades of grey again Deliver me from selfish men Don’t tell me if I’m one of them Life was shades of grey back then Life is shades of grey again
6.
[dream #2] 01:15
7.
Lorule 03:18
8.
Make & Model 03:51
You know he gave me a look You know it gave me that sinking feeling I’m still looking up at the ceiling and I still feel his eyes on me You know I’m so full of shit! You know I’m plastic and he sees right through it It’s a classic case of they said, she said, I just sat and smoked his weed Here’s how it’s gonna be: It isn’t safe so I’ll stay in my room tonight It couldn’t wait so I floored it through that red light Giving away every secret in mind I figured you would be all right And so I’ll leave the door open just in case You wanna come hang with me tomorrow I’m not gonna hold my breath you come around But you know that I always check the plates Whenever I see that make & model Because I wonder if you’re on my side of town What was the point? What was I supposed to learn? Am I supposed to be different or better after burning and getting burned? What was the point? Why did I neglect it til it fell apart? Am I supposed to know the difference between my body, my head, and my heart? I’m not about to forget I’m not about to ask you to forget it I’m just hoping that the weight of my regret doesn’t rest on you You know, I know what it’s like To feel like someone is at home in your life And then to wake up after one bad night to find they never want to leave their room Here’s what you’re gonna do: Put on your coat, you can weather the wind and snow To stay afloat, you’ll need every trick you know And when you go, go with what you believe I wish that you could count on me That’s why I’ll leave the door open just in case You wanna come hang with me tomorrow I’m not gonna hold my breath you come around But you know that I always check the plates Whenever I see that make & model Because I wonder if you’re on my side of town
9.
What are you so afraid of, dear? Do you even want me here? You know I know you do Is it too late to hang one more up for love In spite of what we put each other through? When you classify this gesture, it'll be incomplete You're gonna say I was a wasp nest, but I know you're a honeybee You're the devil on my shoulder, I'm the demon on your back Look me in the eye and tell me it's enough to feel the lack When I'm with you I almost miss you too Isn't this what you wanted from the start? My bed as an altar, you pray for my heart It sounds wrong when you say it but it needs to be heard You know how we hang meaning on every word When you classify this gesture, it'll serve you well The rising sun encouraging you out of your shell It's the part that you don't mention, it's the choice you never made You're still shackled to the wall and watching shadows in the cave It was over quick; do I still make you feel sick? It's too much / it's still not enough
10.
I hope it gets better I hope it gets better with time It’s nice to know that something’s on my side Rolling over at 3 AM for the hundredth time Those selfish things I hear myself repeating I take a breath and I find myself dreaming again Of a car at night The snow making shadows by headlights Your hand in mine as I make a prayer to Father Time But you can never take back What Sarah Said It always ends up Brothers On A Hotel Bed And people don’t change, and if they do It’s not in the way you want them to That boy found god at the end of an endless list of problems He knows he will live to see if he finds a way to solve them I’m a lot like him, but I never believed in god And I believed in myself once, but now I’m just dreaming again Of a different time When I could still see the sunrise Without imagining what it would feel like To stumble away from you and everyone And the boarded up streets where I used to run And learn to live again Without the cold comfort of my old friends Because people don’t change, and if they do It’s not in the way you want them to
11.
I never got to dance with you, but if I had, It would have gone like this: You would’ve been pretty, but the whole time I’d be trying To pretend I knew the steps So I wouldn’t hear you asking me to stay another song Before I finish my drink and leave I know I never could’ve danced with you, ‘cause in the end, I would’ve had to know you And what’s worse, I would’ve had to know me Give me a minute I need a minute and a drink, but the drink I’ll get myself Is there anything you need? Is there a way that I can help? If you’re getting warm, we can step outside If you’re getting cold, just stay close to me I’m so forgetful, I don’t want to forget the feeling You never asked me for a thing, and still I’m racing to provide it There’s a part of me that’s empty and I want desperately to hide it As if you don’t already know, as if you aren’t five steps ahead As if I thought I could convince you I believed in what I said I feel rejected and forgotten, it doesn’t matter what you do I know I did this to myself and now I’m pinning it to you How can I ever ask for patience if I’m not trying to get it right? Why is it always this god awful selfish dream every night? I feel you pushing me away, I feel you running through the door I’m looking through you to a fear I can no longer ignore And from the outside I’m the same but there’s no longer a connection I was staring deep into your eyes until I noticed my reflection
12.
[dream #3] 01:06
13.
Every scrap of paper Up on my bedroom wall All of my hopeless gestures You deserve them all The picture in my wallet The stain upon my shirt You in your matching bralette And black a-line skirt The early morning prayer The afternoon regret The evening I can’t picture The night I can’t forget You are a wasp nest person And I am out of pride Which is to say: I love you Which is to say: goodbye Goodbye If you don’t dream enough You won’t know how to feel But if you dream too much You’ll start to think it’s real I’ve gotten lost again I hope it’s not for long They say that getting better Starts with admitting something’s wrong The details sometimes change But you know you live inside my brain And you’re the only one who ever knew me like that You’re the only one who ever knew me like that If there was any doubt In your mind what this was all about: You’re the only one who ever knew me like that You’re the only one who ever knew me like that So now I know what I’ve got left It’s time to do what I do best now: Hey, it’s me I know you’re afraid of changing I know you’re looking out of your window lately It’s hard to see but not hard to believe After all, it’s the same cops you see on TV There’s something buried here It’s the source of so much doubt and fear And your parents won’t say its name, but in ten years It’ll put us underwater anyway So I need you! We need everyone we can get! The truth is it isn’t over yet But if it’s up to them, they’ll make sure you get bitter They only win if they make you a quitter I hope you can sort out what’s weighing on your mind I hope you can break the ties that bind I hope we come out with our hearts intact And I hope that when you get this, you call me back Yeah, I hope that when you get this, you call me back

about

Ben Wolgamuth is a man of many hats. He's the mastermind behind some of the best Flowerpot Records releases to date. He's one half of Flipcoin, producer/instrumentalist for The Bears & The Bees, drummer for The You Suck Flying Circus and Jason Kaminski's live act, among seemingly dozens of others. Now, with The Heavy Forgiveness, for one of the first times in his career, he is centering himself, albeit while giving his frequent collaborators a boost in the process. A laundry list of close friends and colleagues bring this project to life in an even bigger way than his previous solo offerings and make this truly a project of magnitude. Rarely does someone's personal accounts of their journey of growth feel this poignant and well-articulated, and this is easily a milestone in Ben's already astounding songwriting career.

credits

released May 19, 2023

Songs by Ben Wolgamuth, 2020-2022 ASCAP
Produced by Claire Mulvaney and Ben Wolgamuth
Recorded, edited, and engineered by Claire Mulvaney at Tri-C Metro, 2021
Additional recording by Claire Mulvaney and Ben Wolgamuth
At their apartments and around town, 2021-2022
Horn section recording by Ben Wolgamuth and Wes Meadows
Mixed by Ben Wolgamuth at Race To The Finish
Mastered by Tom Woodhead at Hippocratic Mastering

All instruments and vocals performed by Ben Wolgamuth, except:
Backing vocals on 2 and 4 by Claire Mulvaney, Daniel Boyle, and Simon Hubbard
Cello on 4, 11, and 13 by Claire Mulvaney
Trumpet on 2 by Wes Meadows and Tom McKeon
Trombone on 2 by Fred Clark
Poem read by Daniel Boyle

Photography by Daniel Boyle
Design and layout by orange talc

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